Smiling Through Clenched Teeth

Here is that post where I talk about a younger cousin who just announced her second pregnancy.

It is that gut punch of an announcement that would have brought me to tears a year and a half ago and now just brings me to a stomachache. It is that half sad, and a little bigger half jealous and frustrated ache. Especially over the fact that my chance at #2 involves $4,000 and enormous amounts of stress and pain.

The announcement came over the phone via the family grapevine and the ease of the telling of the news made me feel like she just snapped her fingers and got pregnant, which may or may not be the case. Either way, the green monster showed up in me as quickly as I could muster the words, "good for her!"

That stomachache lingers as I wish her a happy and healthy pregnancy. That stomachache lingers as I think about my challenges for something that seemed to come so very easy for her. That stomachache lingers as I wonder if I'll ever make that announcement and that stomachache lingers as I think about all the women that are still trying for #1.

It was that same, so familiar ache as my period showed up on Saturday, crushing yet again our hopes for a natural, surprise pregnancy. Just when I thought I came to terms with that red stripe on the toilet paper signaling another failed cycle, the gut punching and stomachaches start again as more friends and family announce that #2, or even #3 is on the way.

I hate this. I hate IF, but at the same time, IF brought me N. And he is the greatest person I ever grew.

P.S. I'm still running. Week 3 of training. The 10K is coming up FAST and I'm going to train today (maybe now is a good time). It could be just the thing I need.

New sneakers and a 5 dollar app do not a runner make

But, it's a start. Tonight C and I decided to sign up for our local city's 10K coming up at the end of March. The idea of running a 10K is daunting to be sure, but the occasional zum.ba class is just not doing much for my jiggle.

So, with my new sneakers on my feet and my iPh.one in my pocket I stepped on the treadmill and started up the couch to 10K app...

Now of course, after not taking more than a handful of zum.ba classes since N was born, I was feeling more than a little awkward on the treadmill. I promptly knocked my water bottle on the floor trying to put it in the cup holder and yanked the earbuds out of my ear trying to adjust my music. And just when I was feeling most aware of my various body parts flopping around me, the skinniest, tannest, most short short wearing Runner got on the treadmill next to me.

Of course.

But, I pressed on and ignored the Runner and her pace that doubled mine at my fastest. I finished the first day of training and I'm feeling pretty good. A little achy, a little tired, pretty hungry, but feeling good about what I am trying to do for my body. I'm doing it for a few reasons.

First, I totally miss my pre-IVF body. You know the one, where I thought was overweight when I weighed 40 lbs less than I do now. I want to do this for my DH, to have extra energy for him after a day chasing N. I need the energy and flexibility and strength to chase N since every day he gets stronger and faster and more motivated to break down the barriers that we have in place. And now, after a call to my IVF coordinator, I need the energy to gear up for a frozen transfer later this spring.

N will be the most amazing older brother. C and I believe we are not done growing our family and with 5 frozen embies my heart overflows with the thought that we really could bring home another beautiful baby. It is my head that overflowed with all the emotions that come with starting this process all over again.

This is why the 10K seems like a great idea. Another mountain to climb, but this one is all for me. To cross a new finish line and get ready to start another race.

And then it came to me...

My New Years resolution came to me yesterday.

Have you ever seen Geor.ge Carl.in's Stuff routine? I found myself watching it the other day and while I definitely get why it is funny and certainly the audience is laughing, this time I felt uncomfortable. I have too much stuff. We all have too much stuff. Stuff. Even the word was bugging me.

I want less stuff. I want to be in control of the stuff I have. And I don't want to bring in any new stuff until my old stuff is taken care of.